# Social Category > General Chat Forum >  Interesting and funny newspaper articles

## Citizen X

*I have a rather eccentric alternatively flamboyant hobby! I collect newspaper articles and cartoons that are particularly funny. Id like to share some with you guys and, I guess , see you perceive the clip. Since I cut out the cartoon or article it wont always be possible to acknowledge the source. This one is entitled , Prison Break 5, starring Ananias Mathe, coming soon1 From Prison to your living room!(see attached, its a million laughs, I promise you!)*
*1. Remember the series Prison break, the protagonist had tattoos all over his body, but in actual fact it was a map;*
*2. In this cartoon, that character from Zimbabwe Ananias Mathew net on a crime spree right here in SA, so the editors or reporters capitalized on the coincidence of this character escaping a few times from prison just when the series prison break,  was on tv;*
*3. In this cartoon, Ananias too has tattoos on his body! But, his tattoos tell a different story, they include bribery money, Vaseline(remember, he said, he squeezed himself out of the window by smearing Vaseline all over his body, and the guards were asleep, this too is included in his tattoos!*
*4. In another newspaper that was running at the time, dont remember which one, but it was entitled,  Im no Houdini, and aptly so as Ananias himself testified to the fact that he isnt really a Houdini, on the night of his escape some of the guards were sleeping and to compound matters he actually recalled, that it was one of the guards birthday because while he was escaping he heard them singing happy birthday to their fellow guard!
*

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## Citizen X

See attached pdf for a clearer picture!




How South African welcome foreigners:

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## Citizen X

One of my favourite photos in these past few years!

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IanF (23-Apr-12)

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## Citizen X

The headlines said it all! "Drink judge fights back."

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## Citizen X

*There is an unspoken rule in criminal law: Always keep your jacket with you so that if you arrested you can cover your head and face. Rationale: Don’t get media to make a circus out of you.**However, there are exceptions: In these 3 convicted criminals cases, the psychologist/psychiatrist provided that they want attention especially photos..

*

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## Citizen X

The modus operandi of getting a TB social grant has slightly changed! In the past, a TB patient sold you his spit from R100, you then present this sputem to the nurse who tests it to establish if you got TB. On a positive result, you set: TB grant:
Now, the system has improved , they want to see you spitting the spit in a container to avoid this practice. The way it has essentially changed, from what a few people have explained to me, is a TB patient sell you about a cup full of spit, you then drink that spit and wait for 48 hours. You've now got TB, you set again, TB social grant!!!!

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## Citizen X

*Okay, don’t shoot the messenger! I’m merely reporting on a story that was already reported in the public domain. I am also using the exact words of the reporter!*
*In short there is this 72 year old man known as “Brian the river snake,” who has lived under a bridge  near the Sand river in the Free State. His real name is Koadile. According to him “his problem started in 1988 while he was working at a factory in Welkom. He was always thirsty and tried to drink as much water as he could – but nothing calmed his water craving. So he went to a place where water would be no problem-next to a river under a bridge.”*
*The people of that community were under the impression that he was a large river snake so in true capatilist style a sangoma capitalized on this community perception.” The sangoma paid Brian with cigarettes, mealie meal and other food.” “To help in the deception the old man even had a ‘snake uniform” consisting of plastic bags and a snake tail made of rolled blanket”*
*“BUT,  now old Koadile has spilled tehe beans to the People;’s paper, he is not the giant river snake, he’s just a hobo!”

*

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## Citizen X

Strike forecast!!
You've heard of weather forecast but are you familiar with strike forecast??

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## tec0

That Prison break is worth printing  :Rofl:

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## Citizen X

You know Tec0, the irony of it all was that this character actually told the court, " I'm no houdini" and further explained how some guards were asleep during his escape and others were singing happy birthday to one of their fellow warders. Now I'm pretty sure that if correctional services were to investigate that claim, they would simply have to check which warders birthday it was on that day! This is not the first time I'm hearing of governmental staff singing happy birthday to a fellow public servant to the detriment of customer service. A lady I know that lives in Germiston is having huge problems with that city council and in her complaint she mentions that while the ignored her and told her that she must just pay, they interupted the service delivery to sing happy birthday to a fellow public servant. She even remembers the name of that public servant from the happy birthday singing!

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## Citizen X

*Don’t shoot the messenger! I have it on good authority: This article that Paul Kruger believed that the World is flat and not round!!!
*

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## Citizen X

*I don’t know about you but I would be very disturbed to learn that there is a coffin under my house!
*

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## Citizen X

*I love a good scandal! There’s a reason why I read nose week, the Daily Sun and the Sunday Times! We never short of a nice , good entertaining scandal!
*

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## Citizen X

*Okay, so dont shoot the messenger! Im merely reporting word for word what was already reported in the Sunday Times. This is the actual photo of that article from a few years ago. The headline on that front page, Gandhi smeared as Indian Hitler.*
*Deedats son distributes book that says founder of passive resistance was a sick man. Yousuf Deedat has already distributed 7000 copies in Durban and Pretoria. His next port of call will be Cape Town next month. He says Gandhi was not fit to be called a mahatma(meaning great soul) adding that he was not fit even to be called an ordinary  soul. Gandhi was once thrown out of a train compartment which was exclusively reserved for whites. It was not that Gandhi was fighting on behalf of local Africans that he broke the rule in getting into a whites compartment. No! That was not the reason. It says Gandhi had no concern for Africans and took up the cudgels on behalf on Indians because he was furious that he and his merchant caste Indians were treated on par with the local Africans.*
*Naturally, I dont agree with the sentiments expressed in this book or this article. The contrary is true, Gandhi is worthy of his iconic status!Notwitstanding this someone actually wrote an entire book on this! It was however the pose the author created i.e. him and his book that caught my attention!(Strike a pose!) A proud author with his book!
*

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## Citizen X

*How to know if you’ve got problems? Well, if an evil ghostly horse not only haunts you every night and craps in your room but also tries to have sex with you, you’ve got some major problems! “If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!”This gentleman's community did aver that he has a drinking problem, but in right of reply, he provided that this ghostly horse has driven him to drink! I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, if a ghostly horse was not only haunting you, but also crapping in your room and perhaps more worrying even trying to have sex with you, won't you be driven to drink!!!
*

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## Dave A

On the Ghandi story - and at the risk of putting myself in the firing line here - does it matter?

I'm quite sure history is littered with examples of people doing the right thing, but initially for less-than-perfect reasons. Few ideas are born full grown. They start with a seed, grow and are refined over time.

Even if intially prompted by a fit of pique (and I wouldn't know one way or the other with absolute certainty as I was not there), to my mind it should only succeed in making Ghandi's legacy greater - that upon sober reflection he recognised there were even bigger issues in play than at first realised. 

For me it would be a message of hope and encouragement, that "ordinary" people can grow and do great things.
And become great - and best remembered at their best.

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Citizen X (01-May-12)

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## Citizen X

Food for thought Dave!The very nature of this thread makes being in the firing line not matter at all! It didn't matter at all to the reporters who made these articles headlines! :Big Grin:

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## Citizen X

Singer impersonator tries to escape from court!
If a picture is worth more than a thousand words then how much more a video!
A character arrives at the door of the late singer Khulekani “Mqgumeni” Khumalo’s home. Initially many of the family members of this singer believed their loved one had come home.“Thousands of Khumalo’s fans had travelled from around the country to Nquthu after hearing that the singer, who died in 2009, had been resurrected.” He said he had been kidnapped by a traditional healer who had kept him in a forest in Gauteng – and had escaped before the healer could turn him into a zombie. 
“The man was arrested and police are working with the National Prosecuting Authority to formulate charges to be laid against him,” said Naicker."

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## Citizen X

Soft Dux-Rudi initially made this post "How to deal with jay walkers," I simply had to steal it from him!

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## Citizen X

Firstly, I dont condone violence, damage to property and unlawful activity. That being said, I sincerely love our Black South African people for many reasons. To date my closest friends remain Black individuals largely from Protea Glen, Protea North and Dlamini in Soweto. We visit each other on a regular basis.
I have bought a magnifying glass to specifically study facial expressions in strikes.
The headline: Protest turns ugly, Our councillor is busy eating our money and we suffer.
Background:  A poor service delivery protest took place in 2007 by some 5000 people from the Protea South Informal Settlement. Why I kept the picture and article. I personally spoke to some people that took place in that protest some 10 days after the fact. Those I spoke to averred that they personally had no thing to do with the protest directly but were unemployed and miserable and it was an opportunity for them to vent and have something constructive to do for that day. Now, If I may direct you to the lady in the front row, second from right with her leg up. Notice her facial expression: Big happy smile, the gentleman behind her, behind the lady with the green top and bluish hat, nice big smile...

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## Citizen X

“Rats! They ate my leg.”
This was the headline. I did loose the original article which I cut out. I was heartbroken. I mistakenly threw it away thinking it was part of the cut out litter. You know how in life sometimes you need to vent, you may say, drat, or more realistically F.... You can also say RATS!
In this article the sigh was however more poignant! This gentleman from an informal settlement had too much too drink, he went back to his home to sleep out his drunken stupor. On awakening he was horrified to find that half of his leg was already eaten by rats and moreover there were still some 10 rats busy eating his leg when he awoke!
I did keep this one thought.” Burnt corpse in a chair! Man dies while drinking.”
“On the night he died my brother had been at a local shebeen where he drank sorhum beer. Then he said he was cold and decided to go home and finish his beer there. Seeing his corpse afterwards just sitting in his chair shows that he had fallen asleep while still drinking.”

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## Citizen X

*“Bust with Holy Wine! Church thief faces wrath of crowd*" :Drunk: 
“They even stole two bottles of sacramental wine..and were drinking the Holy water as they swaggered down the street! BUT they didn’t get far… instead they ran into the righteous rage of the people who had been wakened by the noise. They caught one of the sinful thugs…and gave him the beating of his life! The other servant of the devil escaped into the outer darkness from where he had come… *The crowd grabbed one sinful thug, covered his head with a plastic bag-and beat the fear of God into him.”
*

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## Citizen X

Presumption of innocence etc, section 35(a)(b)(c) , section 35(3)(h) and 35(3)(j) of the Constitution of 1996. Don’t shoot the messenger..
In short this man’s employee claimed that her boss had demanded sex before paying her salary for four months. She files a charge, he’s arrested and spends a weekend in jail, which he dubs *,” My weekend from hell,”* *Now here’s where it gets interesting:*  :Yes: *While the reporter of this article is interviewing him, guess who calls him???** “*The girl called the hairstylist requesting a meeting with him.” “ No, I am not going to meet you. Go to the hair salon in Newton and you will find your salary there.” *The obvious rationale*: The last time she requested her salary, he ended up in jail!
one man's weekend from hell is another man's weekend in heaven, jail: free food and accomodation..

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## Citizen X

Now, how would you feel if you found human waste, an open Bible and some candles at your front door???
BAD VIBES . . . Gogo Elizabeth Sibisi found muthi, a bible and candles at the gate of her house. Photo by Happy Baloyi

By NELISIWE MAGUBANE
THE old gogo almost collapsed in terror when she opened the front gate.
In front of her house lay a Bible, muthi and three candles. Human waste was lying nearby.
NOW GOGO ELIZABETH SIBISI LIVES IN FEAR . . . SOMEBODY IS USING EVIL MUTHI AND THE HOLY BOOK TO ATTACK HER!
“I felt powerless and stood there in shock for some time before calling my husband,” said Elizabeth (70).
Her husband Steve Sibisi (66) said: “I didn’t know what to think. It’s the first time I have seen such evil on my doorstep.”
“The black candle and the human shit is meant to bring bad luck to the people in the house....”

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## Citizen X

*I don’t know how authentic this employment advert is. I’m furthermore not its originator. I also don’t agree with its content alternatively I don't share its sentiments. I’m merely putting it out there for further comment if any.This advert has been making the Google rounds for the past 2 years. If it is indeed authentic, it does make for interesting reading. The original source of this is attached as a PDF doc. Perhaps someone can shed some greater light on this advert, is it authentic or not(Dont shoot the messenger, I’m just the humble messenger!)

*“VACANCY: NEWS EDITOR
*Requirements*The incumbant will be required to:
- use excessive numbers of exclaimation marks;
- accurately use CAPITAL letters in the middle of sentences;
- accurately differentiate between various spiritual/mythical beings, especially when images of these beings are sent to the newsdesk;
- ignore facts that might get in the way of a good story;
- re-write copy to make it entertaining, lively, gripping and no longer capable of winning any journalistic prizes;
- beat any journalist with a sjambok if their copy does not include at least one of the following: sex, death, tokoloshe (or any other mythical being), broken houses, a bullet, male or female sexual organs;
- report to the editor directly, calling him Baas;
- write billboards and posters that will jointly intrigue and cause car crashes as the drivers piss themselves laughing, and
- show an intense dislike for white people, especially if that witou’s name is Helen or if their surname is Zille – or if they belong to that bastard idiotic Democratic Alliance party.
The incumbant must also:
- have a valid South African identity document (we hate amaKwereKwere);
- the ability to pronouce the word ‘elbow’ in isiZulu;
- a legal drivers’ licence – because chasing after the tokoloshe requires long drives to Limpopo;
- proof of at least one encounter with an alien, tokoloshe, poltergeist or ghost;
- evidence of having witnessed or been involved in the sexual molestation of a goat (or any other beast);
- been to school, even if it is only Grade 5; and
- absolutely no *moral* inclination for the truth.
The ability to swear excessively in at least three of the official languages will also come in handy, as will the ownership of shoes. If you sleep with your bed on bricks – and can prove it – your chances of employment are greatly improved.
Applications can be emailed to _baas.editor@dailysun.co.za_and cc’d to _the.tokoloshe@eish.com_.”

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## Citizen X

1. Xenophobia reared its ugly head in South Africa on 12 May 2008. I don’t condone violence, damage to property or any other unlawful activity. I respect freedom of speech very much. There are many root causes for the violence and damage to property that took place in 2008. It’s noteworthy that 2 of the reasons many of our South African’s gave for such violence is 1: Non Nationals(Foreign Nationals) are taking our jobs and 2: Non Nationals(Foreign Nationals) are taking our women. I don’t necessarily agree with this argument;
2. A humanitarian refugee crisis occurred. It’s noteworthy that South Africa has never had the equivalent of “roswell,’ and ‘area 51.’ The vast majority of our people do however accept the existence of ghosts;
3. It is therefore noteworthy that The Daily Sun ran many articles with the title ‘Alien.’ The one thing I do recall of this period is that in SABC footage of the xenophobia, both non nationals and South Africans were captured carrying the Daily Sun;
4. Whilst murder, violence and damage to property can never really be a laughing matter, it’s noteworthy that non nationals were also attacked and robbed by people that they turned to for help. There were reported incidents of non nationals turning to certain police officers for help. In instead of the expected help, certain police officers also assaulted the non nationals and subsequently also robbed them. There were also reported incidents of non nationals requiring help by nursing staff and in particular ambulance service. There was one incident in which an ambulance picked up a non national that was severely injured and in need of medical assistance. On route to what this individual believed to be a hospital, the ambulance suddenly stopped, it’s driver and paramedics subsequently assaulted this non national and thn also proceeded to rob him before dumping him on the side of the road and driving off;
5. On 29 May 2009 the MMP filed a complaint with the press ombudsman for the way in which the Daily Sun covered the xenophobia. They included the following headlines as part of the complaint itself
“I know that thug!” “Do not rob thy neighbour! Nine alien thugs robbed a
Metrorail security man… they did not know he had recognized one of
them” (08/04/2008 p. 1)
“Magic rats are stealing my cash!” “A tuck shop owner believes that a
Zimbabwean merchant is sending debt collectors to her place – magical
rats! The frightened woman admits that she has owed the alien merchant
money since last year” (14/04/2008 p. 3)
“This isn’t magic, it’s theft! Aliens disappear with the cash” (15/04/2008, p.
10)
Aliens bust in crime drive” (9/04/2008 p. 13)
“Aliens: We’ve lost faith in cops” (15/04/2008 p. 2)
“Alien girl (9) dies in attack! (16/04/2008 p. 5)
“Bloody end of alien lover” (09/05/2008 p. 2)
“They wait for dark before they attack! Aliens use muthi to steal our
cattle!” (09/05/2008 p. 11)
“It’s war on aliens! 20 bust for attacks!” (13/05/2008 p. 4)
“Cops said I was an alien! Homeboy angry after jail horror (14/05/2008 p.
1)
“War against aliens! Thousands forced to flee Alex” (14/05/2008 p. 2)
“Aliens: The truth! _Daily Sun_ tells why Alex exploded” (15/05/2008 p. 1)
“Alex aliens want to go home” (15/05/2008 p. 2)
“Destruction rages in Diepsloot! Looters wage war on cops as alien attacks
spread”
“Blood and flames! Aliens killed and injured as new attacks stoke flames of
hatred” (19/05/2008 p. 3)
“Rampage! 13 aliens dead as angry flames of hatred spread!” (19/05/2008
p. 1)
“The Alien Terror!; Helicopter chases warring crowds! Fleeing the mighty
wind! Going home to moz! Page 3” (20/05/2008 p. 1)
“The Alien Terror!; Goodbye Mzansi! 500 fearful Mozambicans pack up
and go…” (20/05/2008 p. 3)
“The Alien Terror!; Battleground: Images of war in the streets!”
(20/05/2008 p. 4)
“Aliens run for their lives!” (21/05/2008 p. 1)
“Shots fired in alien battle” (21/05/2008 p. 2)
“We’re leaving… with nothing! – The alien terror!” (21/05/2008 p. 3)”
6. Whilst xenophobia in and of itself can never be justified and/or condoned some of the arguments for it are simply noteworthy. The argument that if any South African were to attempt to open a spaza shop in Harare, they would be swiftly and brutally be dealt with by the authorities there in terms of arrest and deportation and the argument that SARs are hard on small South African business man but do little or nothing to non nationals trading tax free
A further characteristic of our South African xenophobia which never took place in any other country before and hasn’t taken place in any other country since was the concept of robbing a shop(mainly supermarkets) under the auspices of xenophobia, the opportunist criminal. The modus operandi was fairly simple, a group of people would enter a foreign national’s supermarket and simply help themselves to whatever they wanted from the shelves and then simply just walk out without paying. It was not shoplifting, you see, the shoplifter conceals his theft and the theft is normally confined to 1 small item. In these instances our people helped themselves to whatever they wanted, they didn’t conceal the fact that they were stealing from you at all and they furthermore took their time robbing you!“
"Cops said I was an alien! Homeboy angry after jail horror" (14/05/2008 p.1). This one stands out for me, in essence a South African citizen was arrested on the basis that he was a foreign national. He was also treated brutally by the police while in custody on the basis that they thought he was a foreign national. He was very angry! His anger was not that the police should not treat foreign nationals brutally, if memory serves well, he was actually in support of the police treating foreign nationals brutally. He was against the fact that they mistook him for a foreign national!
The term ‘Kasi,’ stems from a South African language ‘funny galore,’ or ‘Fanagalo.’Kasi means place.’  This had racial connotations as it’s true origin was from the Afrikaans word ,’Lokasie,’ which means ‘location.’  “Fanagalo is a pidgin (simplified language) based primarily on Zulu, with English and a small Afrikaans input.” “In South Africa, the term township and location usually refers to the (often underdeveloped) urban living areas that, from the late 19th century until the end of Apartheid, were reserved for non-whites (black Africans, Coloureds and Indians).” 
I remember this ‘Kasi’ chooses peace, shame faced residents return Somali loot,” article very clearly as it was released during the world cup period. I asked many of my Black friends whether they took offence to the use of the word ‘Kasi,’ in this articles. The vast majority of them said no and further that they approved of it’s use in this particular context of an informal settlement’s residents returning stolen goods to its’ foreign national’s owner. It is for this reason that I say that they daily Sun could read the mood of the vast majority of South Africans at that time and furthermore that no matter how the daily Sun uses certain apartheid era terms, the Daily Sun reader takes no offence!

7. The government’s position at the time of these attacks was that non nationals be reintegrated into their communities hence this cartoon

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## Citizen X

We know the idiom, 'if the cap fits,'(or is it an idiom?) BUT since this is South Africa we allowed some departures from the norm...If the uniform doesn't fit don't let him wear it!

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Chrisjan B (14-Jun-12)

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## Citizen X

“MOER EACH OTHER NOW! NO MERCY FOR TWO FENCE THIEVES,” A Daily Sun article




The Daily Sun: I love the Daily Sun. It’s my favorite newspaper. I believe that it is indeed the fastest selling newspaper in South Africa. I buy it daily Monday to Friday. My day is just not the same without reading this newspaper. Once I’ve read the current day’s publication, I actually look forward to the publication of the next day. I’m no doctor, I’m a layperson to the filed of medicine, but I am a ‘nutty bush doctor,’ as such I can prescribe remedies, that don’t involve any form of medication and/or tablets whatsoever. So, in my official capacity as ‘nutty bush doctor,’ I prescribe that you buy and read the Daily Sun daily! It will have therapeutic benefit, it will make you laugh and at times surprise you as to the inner working of certain people’s minds. It’s a remedy for stress and working hard and long hours. It will provide you with temporary escapism.1.      I correspond, snail mail, with several inmates in South Africa and overseas. One such inmate Mr xyz, in the Califonia State penitentiary, looks forward to my posting him a copy of the Daily Sun. I do this for him once a month, I choose the edition that was most appealing to me; He always says the Daily Sun newspaper amuses him and his fellow inmates, it helps them get through the week and further that they’ve never come across such a newspaper before!
2.      I have family overseas that also insist on me posting a copy of the Daily Sun to them. They aware that certain Daily Sun articles are on the Daily Sun’s website, but they insist on a complete addition. 

*“Moer each other now! No mercy for two fence thieves,”*
1.      In South Africa mob justice is not uncommon. Yes, it’s unlawful to take the law into your own hands and in doing so you commit a criminal offense. I don’t condone violence or any unlawful activity. We used to a situation where people living in informal settlements engage in kangaroo courts in which they either beat and/or kill the alleged thief or law breaker;
2.      This situation was entirely different! Two characters stole some steel with intent to sell it to scrap metal dealers. The angry mob caught them!
3.      Instead of the angry mob beating and/or killing them, they set a new precedent for mob justice. Force the two thieves to beat each other up. You must not play fight , you must really beat each other up or face the wrath of the angry mob! Which is better??
4.      The angry mob gave the two thieves two sjamboks  and ordered them to whip each other while people took photos with their cell phones.
*“One thug, in his late 30’s asked for mercy from his younger stronger accomplice, but the 22 year old man said: “I can’t show mercy – I’ve been ordered to whip you!”
*

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## Citizen X

*Don’t mess with the Rasta council, they’ll cut your hair off!!!*
Rueben reported 2 other rastas to the Rasta council for breaking into his house, their punishment was having their hair cut off! BUT, after that these 2 reported Rueben to the very same council for undermining or judging them! So, the council cut his hair off! *You damned if you do and you damned if you don’t!
*

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## Citizen X

*“I’m alive honestly!!”*
I’m not entirely sure who coined the phrase “Horror Affairs,” to depict the Department of Home Affairs. I think it’s the Daily Sun’s handicraft! :Applaud: 
Poor Moemise Mokwape, clearly alive and well, finally got his dream job. :Bananadance:  He worked diligently for an entire month and like all employees went to draw his money at the end of the month. BUT No money there to draw! :Rant1:  WHY?? According to Home Affairs he’s dead! :Oops: 
SO, he went to Home Affairs, “AND officials there said he was dead!”
Now, to prove that he is alive he had to go to the police station to depose an affidavit, I can imagine that conversation! If the police are renowned for being insensitive to victims of crime, then how much more so in this case. ..YES,  officer, I’m here to prove I’m alive..
“So I thought the nightmare was over and I would be declared alive soon. But that still hasn’t happened.”

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## Citizen X

*“GIVE BACK MY LOBOLA!”*
Ladies and gentleman, in the left corner we have  Raymond Maluleke, he’s adamant, he wants to go to court to stop his customary wife from marrying another man even though he left her!
*“TAKE YOUR LOBOLA AND VOETSAK!”*
In the right corner we have Norman Shirley’s brother, he says, “” Come and take back the R1900 lobola money you paid. Your R1900 cannot even buy a dead cow*. It can only pay for a goat.”*
I would certainly say that I genuinely believed that I heard all that could be said about in laws! I was wrong! Right here in Lenasia, *we have a curry powder named ‘mother in law!”
*

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## Dave A

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

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## Citizen X

> "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard


I suppose that's the equivalent of the bliss of marriage...On a more serious note though, it's quite alarming that most of my peers that I went to high school with are now divorced! Just plain tragic!
As the adage goes, 'love and marriage goes together like a horse and carriage!"

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## Citizen X

*My ward councillor knocked us down with her car!*
We familiar with poor service delivery from the city council, and a barrage of complaints against the ward councillor’s. I recall with my pleasure one our prized articles wherein it was stated, ‘*The councillor is eating our money,’* I actually agree* BUT*
‘*Ward councillor in car knocked us over!”* This is new, gentle people, this is one for the records!
“ When Glory Mdluli(45) and Naniki Kgwadi(62) were knocked over by a car while walking on the side of the road, they were shocked to see who the driver was. It was their ward councillor! 
The driver was Councillor Gugu Mbatha and she was drunk. :Drunk: 
*“The worst thing is that the councillor fixed the wall but didn’t bother to check up on us.”

*

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## IanF

What is sick about the article is I can believe it!

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## Citizen X

> What is sick about the article is I can believe it!


How very true Ian! How very true indeed, the sick part is just that , we can actually comprehend the notion of your very own ward councillor tasked with your general well being knocking you down with her car in your council area while she's drunk. She fixes your wall, but doesn't care to pay you a coutesy visit to see how you doing! We should have a handbook entitled *' How not to do things in South Africa.'*

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## Citizen X

*Priest on the run with my car!
*I can say a great many things about certain priests, _but my priest stole my car, no sir, I haven’t had that experience as yet!_*“My priest took my car and he has disappeared with it.”*** Desley Mazibuko(51) from Braamfisher, Soweto, told Daily Sun” “ My silver Toyota Yaris, TVC947 needed a service and my priest told me he knew a mechanic who would do the job at a good price. ‘My priest is Trevor Shanagu-he is also known as Linda. *I trusted him* and gave him my car as well as R2000 to pay the mechanic……He is a soft spoken person. He is a soft spoken person. I still can’t believe what he has done to me.”
Oh really pastor! Thou shall not steal pastor!
 :Nono: .

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## Citizen X

Facebook: You can contact your assailant on facebook  :Bananadance: to ask them why they beat you and your brother up* BUT* they can reply with threats! :Chair: 
‘Top DJ Beat us up ‘ Charges laid against Fistaz
“Dumisani said on Sunday*, he contacted Clifford and Fistaz on Facebook* to ask them why they beat him and his brother up but they replied with threats”
The right of reply by one alleged assailant!
“Masinga told Daily Sun he was shocked by the incident. ‘I was talking to them and minutes later, people were beating them up. I didn’t touch them, “ he said :Console:

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## Citizen X

Evil spirit caused me to have sexual feelings for mypastor! :Embarrassment: 

If you want a he said, she said scenario, you know what, Ill give you one!!!!! :Fence: 
Im all for confession especially where its sincere i.e. showing remorse etc. but Im not so convinced about this particular confession!
Mokgadi Maphutha says,  In 2008 an evil spirit got into my heart. I started to have sexual feelings for the married priest at Keruso Bible Church and developed a jealous hatred of the female apostle who was close to him. :Oops: 
The consequences of her wicked obsession were:-
1. The priests wife divorced him in late 2011 after 17 years of marriage;
2. The name of the female apostle was dragged through the mud and she got divorced too.

 Mokgadi said: I suspected that the pastor was seeing the apostle. Satan forced me to spread lies about their affair. Then I told the preiests wife about her husbands cheating. Now I want people to know about the damage I have caused.

Daily Sun Spoke to the priests wife, Busi Khumalo, who saidI was possessed by jealously which was influenced by Mokgadi. When my husband tried to explain I thought he was lying to me. :Slap: 

Apostle Portia Nxumalo said: I could not believe it when the rumour was spread about me being in love with the priest. My life was damaged. I forgive Mokgadi but she must explain to people why she lied.


AND what does the priest have to say, well 

The priest, Bob Khumalo, said:  This issue has caused serious damage but I forgive Mokgadi and Busi.

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## Citizen X

Mum takes baby boozing
There is nothing funny about this article! I collect these simply because upon reading such an article, I say, ‘Look what my fellow human being is doing”
“She collected the child grant that honest taxpayers provide and went straight to the nearest shebeen. Then she began pouring Black Label down her throat while her one-month-old baby was suckling at her breast.” :Drunk: 
“When Daily Sun tried to talk to the boozing mother at a Bloemfontein tavern, she said three words”* “ Go to Hell!”
*
“She said she raised her two older kids, who are now 10 and 13, on booze and there is nothing wrong with them.”
Now Call me a cynic, but the drinking crowd at this tavern did rebuke her!!
"One man said, 'We told her if she does not leave, *we will beat her up*." :Chair: 

He went further to say, " What she is doing is wrong. Ot is damaging her kid's brain. "Women like this are bad mothers and they are destroying our nation." :Nono: 
A very sensable thing to say from a tavern drinker!!!

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## Citizen X

“Give my dog a grant!”
I’m aware that certain people go to great lengths to get a child grant! Wrapping a dig in a bay blanket under the auspices of here’s my baby, but my baby is too sick to take finger prints!
“The officials insisted to take the babies finger prints “ and pulled aside the blanket. They found that the baby she had strapped to her back was actually the family puppy! Officials and those in the long queu burst out laughing and the woman ran away.” :Oops: 
The more common scam is to ‘rent,’ a child for the social grant day.
*Sizakele said*: “ I curse the person who created money. :2guns:  I know I was wrong, but I was doing it for my family, since we all not working.”
"On Monday she appeared in the Unbumbulu Magistrates Court :Thumbup:  charged with fraud and her case was postponed to 22 November 2012."

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## Citizen X

“Never trust street hobos, ‘ they turn into snakes’ :Rant1: 
In short an undertaker, whilst driving his hearse came across* whom he* calls a ‘hobo,’ Kaizer who owns a mortuary in Rebatho-Bohle, said he felt sorry for a desperate man next to the road at the railway station who asked him for a place to stay. Kaizer picked him up with the mortuary vehicle :Slap: , with the intention of letting him sleep at his mortuary in Simunye, near Westonaria. As they were driving along, the man asked Kaizer for cigarettes and food, so Kaiser stopped the hearse and got out to buy the man what he had pleaded for. BUT when Kaizer got back, the man had disappeared-and he had taken Kaizer’s Blackberry cellphone and his Sim card.”
“They snakes he said.” :Yikes: 
Now call me a syndicate but this ‘hobo,’ did steal the phone, it begs a simple question then , why did he not steal the hearse????

My point is simply that by virtue of the theft he committed he is a criminal, one really wonders why this criminal didn't steal the entire hearse with all it's contents and open up his own funeral business!

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## Citizen X

Rats Bully Me! :Rant1: 


I don’t know about you, but I’ll be quite intimidated if large rats were bullying me and forcing me to buy food for them!

“This man is very afraid of rats. ‘I fear my rats more than thugs. :Mad:  I even buy food for them so that they won’t terrorise me,’ said Kwanele Fubesi (38).’

*“He has fought many thugs with sticks in the squatter camp where he lives*,  :Fence: *but he says none have been as scary as the rats in his home.”*
“My money is not enough as I have to buy a loaf of bread every day for them,” he said.’

*“ If Kwanele drinks away his money and doesn’t give the rats their bread*, they get angry :Rant1: . They eat my clothes, pillows and books. They crawl all over my body and face and bite my hands and toes.” :Banghead:

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## Citizen X

Gogo’s face off over muthi :Fence: 
“Two unidentified ladies in their late 60s had a fierce street fight :Chair:  yesterday over who had the right to sell ifutha stones. The battle with *sticks and klaps* *only stopped when a jikeleza taxi driver* on his way through Njoli Sqaure in KwaZakhele, Port Elizabeth stepped in and took one of them into his taxi”
*Comment:* Now call me a cynic but this taxi driver destroys many stereotypes about taxi drivers! *One would have expected the taxi driver not to stop his vehicle and stop the fight but rather to stop his vehicle, pick a side and join the fight!!!!!*
“One gogo said: I came from KZN to sell the inutha and amakhuko here but this woman put her stuff all over my place. I don’t sell chickens. I only sell muthi, ifutha and amakhuko so why doesn’t she mind her own business and leave me alone?”

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## cejay

Thanks Vanash!

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## Citizen X

> Thanks Vanash!


It's a sheer pleasure Cejay! There's lots more where that came from! :Embarrassment:

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## Citizen X

“*Pastor on the run! ‘We lent him money for his wedding.’
*

Oh really pastor!!! ‘You *alledgedly* running away BUT YOU can’t run away from YOURSELF!”  :Rant1: Think about it pastor you won’t be able to run away from your own self (allegedly)!
A man of God is allegedly on the run-with R10 000 of his friend’s money.
*“We trusted him*  :Banghead: as he was a man of God. Then in October he asked for R10 000 for his wedding. *‘Members of his church weren’t happy to be led by a man who wasn’t married* I _sympathized_ with him, _so I gave him the cash_. He promised to repay me before December. BUT then he *disappeared* with his *girl-friend.* This July, I was told he was living in Kwanoxolo Township. When I found him, he promised to pay me. BUT when I went to collect my money *I was told he had taken all his belongings and disappeared.”
*
So, I dedicate this particular poetic song to *any pastor out there who is allegedly* running away!!

“You running and you running and *you running away*.
You running and you running
*But* you can't run away from yourself
_Can't run away from yourself_ 
Can't run away from yourself 
You must have done (must have done),
Something wrong (something wrong).
Said: you must have done (something wrong).
Why you can't find the
Place where you belong?

Every man thinketh his
Burden is the heaviest (heaviest).
Every man thinketh his
Burden is the heaviest (heaviest).
*Yes, I still mean it: Who feels it knows it, Lord;
*Who feels it knows it, Lord;
Who feels it knows it, Lord;
You running and you running
*But you can't run away from yourself.
*Could you run away from yourself?
Can you run away from yourself?
Can't run away from yourself!
Yeah-eah-eah-eah - from yourself.
You must have done somet'in' -
Someting - someting - someting -
Someting' you don't want nobody to know about:
You must have, Lord - something wrong,
What you must have done - you must have done something wrong.
*And I don't want to live with no strife. (running away)
It is better to live on the housetop (running away)
Than to live in a house full of confusion. (running away)
*_So, I made my decision and I left you!_; (running away)
Now you coming to tell me (running away)
That I'm running away. (running away)
*But it's not true, I am not running' away*”

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## johndice

> “*Pastor on the run! ‘We lent him money for his wedding.’
> *
> 
> Oh really pastor!!! ‘You *alledgedly* running away BUT YOU can’t run away from YOURSELF!” Think about it pastor you won’t be able to run away from your own self (allegedly)!
> A man of God is allegedly on the run-with R10 000 of his friend’s money.
> *“We trusted him* as he was a man of God. Then in October he asked for R10 000 for his wedding. *‘Members of his church weren’t happy to be led by a man who wasn’t married* I _sympathized_ with him, _so I gave him the cash_. He promised to repay me before December. BUT then he *disappeared* with his *girl-friend.* This July, I was told he was living in Kwanoxolo Township. When I found him, he promised to pay me. BUT when I went to collect my money *I was told he had taken all his belongings and disappeared.”
> *
> So, I dedicate this particular poetic song to *any pastor out there who is allegedly* running away!!
> 
> ...


run pastor run! (forrest gump) lol

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## Citizen X

> run pastor run! (forrest gump) lol


I couldn't have expressed it better myself!! :Embarrassment:  I like to add to it though: Here we need the soundtrack "Chariots of Fire," to play while the alledged running is taking palce..I can almost hear it play now..LOL :Big Grin:

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## Citizen X

*Road painters drunk or dom!*
Now pay attention! It’s not ‘SOTP,’ BUT RATHER ‘STOP! :Stupid: ’
*EVEN*, ‘little Kegomoditswe Segapo* knows that’s not how they spell STOP at her CRECHE!* This SOTP sign is at an intersection in Mohlakeng.'
“All the schoolkids who can spell, think it’s very funny :Applaud: . *BUT* their parents are not amused :Rant1: ! They say the sign painters must either be drunk or unable to read and write.
*OFCOURSE* the taxi drivers love it! As they speed right over the stop street, they shout: “ We not going to stop here because the cops can’t fine us for not SOTPPING! :Devil2: ”

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## Citizen X

*Rejected lover takes revenge!*
*Urine and mealie-meal in his bed!*
“Never put two cows and a bull in the same kraal at night! That’s what taxi driver Takalani Nekhavhambe(28) learned the hard way.  :Boxing: He was with his girlfriend at his parent’s house in Diepsloot, north of Joburg, on Monday. To his surprise, *his ex-girlfriend arrived*.
Early the next morning Takalani went to work and his girlfriend also left. The former girlfriend was still asleep.
*BUT* Takalani  got the shock of his life when he returned home that night!
In a jealous rage :Taz: , *his old girlfriend had emptied a 25-Litre bucket of urine and dirty water on his bed*. *Then* _she poured mielie-meal all over it_. :Mad:  She also cut his mattress with a knife and burnt some of his balnkets and clothes. *And* she drove a knife through one of his T-Shirts as if to stab his heart!” :Chair:

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## Phil Cooper

Must have been pi@@ed off!

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Citizen X (06-Feb-13)

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## monaknight03

> Strike forecast!!
> You've heard of weather forecast but are you familiar with strike forecast??
> Attachment 2496


This is really funny.... Great strike forecast ha ha..

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## Citizen X

> This is really funny.... Great strike forecast ha ha..


A very good afternoon to you Monaknight :Wave: 
Welcome to TFSA :Embarrassment: 
Share some funny and interesting newspaper articles from your country....

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## Citizen X

> Must have been pi@@ed off!


Here the DS needs to do a follow-up! Did he and his girl friend try and clean the mattress and then still sleep in it or did they get another mattress.. 25 l of urine and such other stuff seeping into your mattress! I think theirs another potential story there i.e. what happened afterwards?

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## Citizen X

*“BEAT ME-DON’T CALL COPS – I’M NOT A BIG THUG.”*
“ A man who stole from a spaza shop begs people to beat him instead of calling the police.’ :Boxing: 
“ He and a friend robbed a shop of R800 in cash and R100 worth of airtime vouchers and ran away. *BUT* then he remembered that he had not taken his favourite cold drink, so he turned back to steal a bottle of Sprite!” :Confused: 
“The thug was caught with his cold drink, the cash and airtime vouchers. He begged the residents to beat him up rather than calling the cops. He said he did not have money for bail. :No: 
“PLEASE DON’T beat me up too *HARSHLY* *because* I am not a BIG thug,” he said.” :Stick Out Tongue: 
“Residents Samria Ntibane(50) said the people fetched sjamboks from their homes.”
*“ We do not take orders from thugs, so we beat him and then called the police,’ said Samaria
*

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## IanF

> “ We do not take orders from thugs, so we beat him and then called the police,’ said Samaria


Now will Samaria be charged with assault?

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## Citizen X

A very good evening to you Ian,
*I doubt very much that Samria even thought that far!* This one makes for a very compelling legal argument, the thug consents to be beaten and in fact offers that as a possible solution to their dilemma. He suggested it, though his request was not for them to beat him very harshly on the basis that he was not a big thug. They did enter into a contract of some sort. *Yes,* the conclusion, object and performance of the contract was unlawful and Samria and friends breached the contract in that they heeded his request and beat him up but they also called the police which was not what he consented to!!!
Look mob justice is unlawful, and I don’t condone it, but I do understand the frustration of the people! I suppose there is a valid case of assault but the court should also consider that the thug suggested the beating in a customary tradition of resolving their dispute!

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## IanF

Vanash,
This might be traditional but then the law should be changed to reflect this reality. Great argument you should become a lawyer

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## Citizen X

> Vanash,
> This might be traditional but then the law should be changed to reflect this reality. Great argument you should become a lawyer


You know Ian, with this thread I'm attempting to highlight interesting and funny newspaper articles :Big Grin:  Some of the conduct of the protaganists in these articles are no doubt unlawful but nonetheless funny. Bear in mind, you'll only find this calibre of story right here in South Africa and absolutely nowhere else on this planet!!! I'm trying in earnest to become an attotney, but I tell you that the revised LLB is indeed formidable for me! Studying law at my age and dealing with everything else in life has proved thus far to be challenging, I'm still in the game though...

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## Citizen X

*"INYOKA FRIED IN THE RAIN!"

*
“I´m singin´ in the rain
Just singin´ in the rain….
Let the stormy clouds chase.
Everyone from the place,
Come on with the rain
I have a smile on my face…” *Oh Damn!! Wrong song!!* Sorry about that…
*Definitional clause*
*“Izinyoka,”*is an isiZulu word which mean ‘snakes :Devil2: !” Here in South Africa we use it to refer to thieves who steal electricity cables and/or electricity by illegal connections.
“ An UNLUCKY inyoka( :Devil2: ) was fried to death while stealing from other iz-inyoka( :Devil: ).
They were shocked to find him dead next to their cables with a saw and a knife nearby. He was killed while cutting a live cable at the worse time, while it was raining early on Monday morning.”
And- ladies and gentleman, the response from the thief being stolen from*(the victim)*:

“*An angry Nomxolisi Mvumthuza* :Devil: (46) of Port Elizabeth Westville squatter camp said he was trying to steal from her family. BUT she ADDED: “ *WE* make *OUR ILLEGAL* connections in daylight and are not afraid of the cops because our government has let us down.”
“While the dead man’s body was being taken away, *another inyoka was spotted hard at work.”*

**

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## Citizen X

Python terror in cop shop
Instead of shooting to kill the python :Stupid: 
 Mokalapa dashed for the door screaming Yoooh! Yoooh! This snake is alive. Shoot it! Kill it! :2guns: 
 *Terrified cops* :No:  stampeded for the door. Others jumped over the charge office desk *with their R5 rifles and pistols.* The villagers who had captured the reptile stormed into the cop shop and attacked the snake AGAIN. This time they made sure it was dead. They dragged it outside by its tail and *relieved cops*  :Console: returned to work.
These cops are COWARDS,  said Solly ANGRILY. They were watching terrified :Frown:  :Confused:  as we fought and killed the snake, and now they want us to leave it behind.

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## Citizen X

Daily Sun readers are progressive in their outlook, open to new experiences and eager to explore the opportunities the new social, political and economic environment offers. They are the major beneficiaries of change in this country. Their living conditions and general standard of living changed almost overnight as access to housing, electricity, running water, job opportunities and minimum wages came sweeping through under a new democratic government. Our reader thrives under these conditions and will typically take advantage of these opportunities in order to improve his or her general well-being.[1]

[1] Vide: http://www.media24.com/en/newspapers/emerging-markets/daily-sun.html. Accessed. 24 March 2013

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Dave A (24-Mar-13)

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