Interesting and funny newspaper articles

[Citizen X]

“GIVE BACK MY LOBOLA!”
Ladies and gentleman, in the left corner we have Raymond Maluleke, he’s adamant, he wants to go to court to stop his customary wife from marrying another man even though he left her!
“TAKE YOUR LOBOLA AND VOETSAK!”
In the right corner we have Norman Shirley’s brother, he says, “” Come and take back the R1900 lobola money you paid. Your R1900 cannot even buy a dead cow. It can only pay for a goat.”
I would certainly say that I genuinely believed that I heard all that could be said about in laws! I was wrong! Right here in Lenasia, we have a curry powder named ‘mother in law!”

[Dave A]

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

[Citizen X]

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

I suppose that's the equivalent of the bliss of marriage...On a more serious note though, it's quite alarming that most of my peers that I went to high school with are now divorced! Just plain tragic!
As the adage goes, 'love and marriage goes together like a horse and carriage!"

[Citizen X]

My ward councillor knocked us down with her car!
We familiar with poor service delivery from the city council, and a barrage of complaints against the ward councillor’s. I recall with my pleasure one our prized articles wherein it was stated, ‘The councillor is eating our money,’ I actually agree BUT
‘Ward councillor in car knocked us over!” This is new, gentle people, this is one for the records!
“ When Glory Mdluli(45) and Naniki Kgwadi(62) were knocked over by a car while walking on the side of the road, they were shocked to see who the driver was. It was their ward councillor!
The driver was Councillor Gugu Mbatha and she was drunk.
“The worst thing is that the councillor fixed the wall but didn’t bother to check up on us.”

[IanF]

What is sick about the article is I can believe it!

[Citizen X]

What is sick about the article is I can believe it!

How very true Ian! How very true indeed, the sick part is just that , we can actually comprehend the notion of your very own ward councillor tasked with your general well being knocking you down with her car in your council area while she's drunk. She fixes your wall, but doesn't care to pay you a coutesy visit to see how you doing! We should have a handbook entitled ' How not to do things in South Africa.'

[Citizen X]

Priest on the run with my car!
I can say a great many things about certain priests, but my priest stole my car, no sir, I haven’t had that experience as yet!“My priest took my car and he has disappeared with it.” Desley Mazibuko(51) from Braamfisher, Soweto, told Daily Sun” “ My silver Toyota Yaris, TVC947 needed a service and my priest told me he knew a mechanic who would do the job at a good price. ‘My priest is Trevor Shanagu-he is also known as Linda. I trusted him and gave him my car as well as R2000 to pay the mechanic……He is a soft spoken person. He is a soft spoken person. I still can’t believe what he has done to me.”
Oh really pastor! Thou shall not steal pastor!
.

[Citizen X]

Facebook: You can contact your assailant on facebook to ask them why they beat you and your brother up BUT they can reply with threats!
‘Top DJ Beat us up ‘ Charges laid against Fistaz
“Dumisani said on Sunday, he contacted Clifford and Fistaz on Facebook to ask them why they beat him and his brother up but they replied with threats”
The right of reply by one alleged assailant!
“Masinga told Daily Sun he was shocked by the incident. ‘I was talking to them and minutes later, people were beating them up. I didn’t touch them, “ he said

[Citizen X]

Evil spirit caused me to have sexual feelings for mypastor!

If you want a he said, she said scenario, you know what, I’ll give you one!!!!!
I’m all for confession especially where it’s sincere i.e. showing remorse etc. but I’m not so convinced about this particular confession!
Mokgadi Maphutha says, “ In 2008 an evil spirit got into my heart. I started to have sexual feelings for the married priest at Keruso Bible Church and developed a jealous hatred of the female apostle who was close to him.”
“The consequences of her wicked obsession were:-
1. The priest’s wife divorced him in late 2011 after 17 years of marriage;
2. The name of the female apostle was dragged through the mud and she got divorced too.”

“ Mokgadi said: “I suspected that the pastor was seeing the apostle. Satan forced me to spread lies about their affair. Then I told the preiest’s wife about her husband’s cheating. Now I want people to know about the damage I have caused.”

Daily Sun Spoke to the priest’s wife, Busi Khumalo, who said”I was possessed by jealously which was influenced by Mokgadi. When my husband tried to explain I thought he was lying to me.”

“Apostle Portia Nxumalo said:” I could not believe it when the rumour was spread about me being in love with the priest. My life was damaged. I forgive Mokgadi but she must explain to people why she lied.”


AND what does the priest have to say, well…

“The priest, Bob Khumalo, said: “ This issue has caused serious damage but I forgive Mokgadi and Busi.”

[Citizen X]

Mum takes baby boozing
There is nothing funny about this article! I collect these simply because upon reading such an article, I say, ‘Look what my fellow human being is doing”
“She collected the child grant that honest taxpayers provide and went straight to the nearest shebeen. Then she began pouring Black Label down her throat while her one-month-old baby was suckling at her breast.”
“When Daily Sun tried to talk to the boozing mother at a Bloemfontein tavern, she said three words” “ Go to Hell!”

“She said she raised her two older kids, who are now 10 and 13, on booze and there is nothing wrong with them.”
Now Call me a cynic, but the drinking crowd at this tavern did rebuke her!!
"One man said, 'We told her if she does not leave, we will beat her up."

He went further to say, " What she is doing is wrong. Ot is damaging her kid's brain. "Women like this are bad mothers and they are destroying our nation."
A very sensable thing to say from a tavern drinker!!!

[Citizen X]

“Give my dog a grant!”
I’m aware that certain people go to great lengths to get a child grant! Wrapping a dig in a bay blanket under the auspices of here’s my baby, but my baby is too sick to take finger prints!
“The officials insisted to take the babies finger prints “ and pulled aside the blanket. They found that the baby she had strapped to her back was actually the family puppy! Officials and those in the long queu burst out laughing and the woman ran away.”
The more common scam is to ‘rent,’ a child for the social grant day.
Sizakele said: “ I curse the person who created money. I know I was wrong, but I was doing it for my family, since we all not working.”
"On Monday she appeared in the Unbumbulu Magistrates Court charged with fraud and her case was postponed to 22 November 2012."

[Citizen X]

“Never trust street hobos, ‘ they turn into snakes’
In short an undertaker, whilst driving his hearse came across whom he calls a ‘hobo,’ Kaizer who owns a mortuary in Rebatho-Bohle, said he felt sorry for a desperate man next to the road at the railway station who asked him for a place to stay. Kaizer picked him up with the mortuary vehicle, with the intention of letting him sleep at his mortuary in Simunye, near Westonaria. As they were driving along, the man asked Kaizer for cigarettes and food, so Kaiser stopped the hearse and got out to buy the man what he had pleaded for. BUT when Kaizer got back, the man had disappeared-and he had taken Kaizer’s Blackberry cellphone and his Sim card.”
“They snakes he said.”
Now call me a syndicate but this ‘hobo,’ did steal the phone, it begs a simple question then , why did he not steal the hearse????

My point is simply that by virtue of the theft he committed he is a criminal, one really wonders why this criminal didn't steal the entire hearse with all it's contents and open up his own funeral business!

[Citizen X]

Rats Bully Me!


I don’t know about you, but I’ll be quite intimidated if large rats were bullying me and forcing me to buy food for them!

“This man is very afraid of rats. ‘I fear my rats more than thugs. I even buy food for them so that they won’t terrorise me,’ said Kwanele Fubesi (38).’

“He has fought many thugs with sticks in the squatter camp where he lives, but he says none have been as scary as the rats in his home.”
“My money is not enough as I have to buy a loaf of bread every day for them,” he said.’

“ If Kwanele drinks away his money and doesn’t give the rats their bread, they get angry. They eat my clothes, pillows and books. They crawl all over my body and face and bite my hands and toes.”

[Citizen X]

Gogo’s face off over muthi
“Two unidentified ladies in their late 60s had a fierce street fight yesterday over who had the right to sell ifutha stones. The battle with sticks and klaps only stopped when a jikeleza taxi driver on his way through Njoli Sqaure in KwaZakhele, Port Elizabeth stepped in and took one of them into his taxi”
Comment: Now call me a cynic but this taxi driver destroys many stereotypes about taxi drivers! One would have expected the taxi driver not to stop his vehicle and stop the fight but rather to stop his vehicle, pick a side and join the fight!!!!!
“One gogo said: I came from KZN to sell the inutha and amakhuko here but this woman put her stuff all over my place. I don’t sell chickens. I only sell muthi, ifutha and amakhuko so why doesn’t she mind her own business and leave me alone?”

[cejay]

Thanks Vanash!